being lazy

so here i am sitting at my new computer LOVING it.
BUT i've been downloading music...which takes time... and in the times when i'm waiting for music to download i've been on facebook. ALLL day. which is so insane. ridiculous. stupid. LAZY!!

although it did make me realize something really important. I was going through all of my photos and everything from way back...and I was looking through them and i used to be sooo incredibly happy all the time. about everything. i don't know when that stopped. i wonder if it ended after addison and i broke up?? i don't think so... because when i was an RA i was SUPER happy almost all the time... maybe it was being an RA that did it.... i mean that job takes a toll on you... that was the first semester of college that i got below a B in a class and didn't care. which is not ok.
I've always been a very good student and always been on top of things and have always worked really hard but have also known how to have a good time.

i think that i need to get back there somehow.

i will say that between the year i was and RA and now i've probably gone even further downhill though because i've had sooooo much shit happen to me in life too... my point is. i'm done being a downer. I wish therapists weren't so expensive cause i would go see one weekly... but honestly what i need to do right now is get back into the things that i really love. volunteering, horseback riding, music, possibly theater... writing, knitting, cooking.

i'm going to get back into all of those things. or as many as i can.

i mean here's the thing.
i know that i have to have a full time job. that's fine. I think what needs to happen is i need to start thinking about it as though i don't have a choice. I HAVE TO GO! (which in reality i do have to go to pay my bills but i don't want to look at it like that)

the thing is when i was in high school and when i was in school full time i had structure to my life. and it was structure that wasn't something that i really needed to think about. the fact that i'm putting in so much thought into why i don't want to go to work everyday is ridiculous.

i mean i go to school as well but because i'm only part time it's not as easy to keep that structure.

i think that with that structure too i might also be able to lose some weight...which is a big thing for me right now... i don't know how i've gained as much as i have in less than a year... it's disgusting. i'm honestly disgusted by myself.

i'm debating on whether i should get a wii fit or get a gym membership.... or if i have the money to get both... mostly because gyms are only open so often and honestly going to a gym when you are grossly overweight is never fun for anyone.
and actually a gym membership runs out...

OK
it's decided. i'm going to get a wii fit... and i'm going to start working out that way first... also that way if i can't for some reason get to a gym in time before it closes i'll still have my little wii fit at home.

which also means that i'm going to move the tv into my room... which also means that i can re-arrange my house... which is always fun

but first i need to clean...

also i think that i need to be outside more often.

i need to go for walks.
anywhere.
which is kind of why i hate living in johnson...there's not really places to walk to... although maybe i'll just go out sometime and take my camera or something... and a friend and just go for a walk in the snow and work on my photography.

i also think that i need to stop worrying about things so much. i don't think i worried this much in high school. because i've had to grow up so quick i think that i've taken on a more motherly role...when in all actuality i don't really want to be a mother... i don't know if i ever want to be a mother. i like to interact with kids. and teach them which is where the 4-h part comes into play but other than that... i want to be more selfish... i think i was selfish in high school. and i was SUUUPER competitve... about EVERYTHING... which i know that gets annoying. so i've def had to tone that down a bit...even though i'm still very competitive.

all in all....i think i want to just live my life the way my dad lived his. happy. not caring about silly things that don't matter.

kind of like this roommate situation i'm in right now. i don't think that i'm going to care about it anymore.
i'm going to live
if emily and benton are here. then they're here. it will probably take some work to get there but i don't want to feel uncomfortable around people anymore.
i never used to. what the hell happened??

anyway..

this post was more of a pep talk to myself... sorry :/