sittin on the porch

so it's bright (literally) and early on a Friday morning. It's the last day of April. which means rent is due tomorrow. I still haven't found someone to take over my rent for June. which is not ok with me. I emailed emily's softball friend to no avail yet. I'm really hoping that she gets back to me though. I need someone to take over that god damn apartment.

anyway. besides the apartment situation much has happened recently. my crush on previously stated boy is done. he got arrested for some bullshit he did while he was drunk. Its too bad that he's kind of an idiot when it comes to that shit because he's pretty sexy and suuuper nice otherwise. It could've been a really good thing. Oh well.

Then I sort of developed a small crush on a close friend who had recently broken up with his girlfriend and had been paying me all sorts of compliments and who, I thought, was really starting to show some sort of interest in me. I'm not really sure what his deal is right now but I realized that I'm not actually interested in him. I just enjoyed the fact that he idealized me. Not necessarily a bad thing... it just seemed all too easy for me. I tend to not go for things that would fall into my lap.

Also, a past fling kind of got in touch with me. Randomly showed up at my friend house while I was there and creeped the shit out of me. I mean, he wasn't acting weird or anything but I just didn't want him to think that there was ever going to be anything between us again. What I had with him was purely physical and there was no romance there. Ever. He tried to take me on a date and really messed it up and unfortunately for him I won't forget it. Talk about worst date ever. If there were to be anything with him ever again it would, yet again, be purely physical. Thing is, I don't think he gets that. He always wants it to be something a little bit more than that and that's not what I'm looking for with him.

So I think yet again I'm crush-less. It's kind of a bummer, but honestly... I'm leaving Johnson soon and I'm really hoping to find someone who has similar interests as me, or at least cares about me enough to act as if he cares about my interests. ya know? No one in Johnson is really mature enough to do that.

Anyway.... on top of all the boy bullshit I recently got a phone call from my aunt saying that she's expecting a little baby boy!!! :) that will be the first boy cousin on my dad's side at all!!! it's suuuper exciting. and to top it off she asked me if I want to go nanny for her!! which is even more exciting!!! mostly because that means that I could get the hell out of Vermont and head down there for the warm weather!!!!! None of this winter bullshit.

It's just so weird because right before she called Ashley and I were doing tarot readings and mine said a lot about how my sex life will be great and how I'll make a good mother-figure or there will be a mother-figure in my life or something, and I was like getting worried...but then my aunt called and it all made sense.

Do you know how tan I'd get if I lived down there?!?!?! It's nice just to imagine it.

i'm done for now. i'm gonna nap for a bit i think.

just a city boy

i haven't written in this in so long. it's so weird that sometimes i really get an urge to write things down and then i just don't.

anyway. i just got done watching the first season of Glee. i'm in love.
it makes me completely miss singing and it makes me miss performing. and it makes me miss lame ass high school bullshit. it made me remember why i wanted to be a high school music teacher. because i would totally do that stuff with my chorus. i would totally do all the newer music and blow people's minds.

i would love to do that.

it also got me thinking about how i want to get involved in community plays and all that stuff. i really need to look into it more because i think that it would make me a much happier person to be performing again.

there was a time when i felt like that was all i wanted to do was be a performing artist. my dream was to be in big time musicals. and honestly i would LOVE it.

i think the reason why i love it so much is because i love the competitiveness about it. same with equestrian stuff, which is why i want to get involved in that a lot right now. because that i could actually delve into. i'm not really sure if i enjoy the sound of my own voice enough to be able to do the singing thing as a career. but i enjoy horses, and i enjoy everything about them enough to make that into a career.

my dad was always pushing me to do something that would make me lots of money, but i don't think that's what i need to do. i honestly think that what i need to do is to do something that will consistently make me happy. i don't want to do something where i'm stuck sitting at a desk all day long. i also don't want to be doing the same things at said desk all day long. i think it would be one thing to have an aspect of my job be figuring out finances and stuff like that for the business essentials, along with scheduling and things like that. but i also need something that's either a teaching aspect and/or a hands on type thing.

anyway. i think my biggest thing is that i need to get out of vermont and experience things with people that i don't know. i need to make some new acquaintances and i need to start a life that is all my own.

ashley and i were just talking a little bit about how she like variety in people. well i enjoy hanging out with a group of friends. i like having one main group of friends and then having other groups as well but they are not my main people. ya know?
and like i was telling her, i really enjoy having the connections with the people that i have made connections with in johnson, but i'm ready to head out of this town. i really enjoy the atmosphere here, but i'm sick of the drama that comes along with living in this small college town.

i'm pretty pumped to get out of johnson and to live in fairfax and to be able to just chill.

i think that i will always be able to contact most of the people that i have made connections with but i don't think that i will be best friends with all of them. i just haven't made the greatest connections up here. i think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that i don't agree with a lot of the drug aspect that most of the people up here are into.
i'm just not that into it. i'm not saying that people are forceful or anything, as a matter of fact most people, i think, are intrigued to find someone in johnson that doesn't just up and do any drug that they can get their hands on, nor do i know much about any drug.

i honestly don't care about that shit.

mmk. well i think i'm done on here for now